Ten Steps To Not Be a Hostel Ass Hole

The following is written at 6:30am, about an hour before I needed to be awake, due largely to #1, 2, 6 and 7.

1.) Set any alarms to vibrate and put it under your pillow or near your head.  Set a back up alarm with noise in case that first one does not wake you up.  Never, ever, hit snooze.

2.) Pack as much as possible the night before, especially if you use those crinkly vacuum seal bags.  This is not something to do at 5am.  If it is unavoidable that you vacuum seal your bags in the morning, do it outside in the hallway.

3.) Do not decide to cook meals that require all four stovetops and the oven at peak dinner time.  Other people need to eat, too.

4.) Do your own damn dishes, the whole point of this trip is that your mother did not come along.

5.) Clear your linen if asked to by the hostel.

6.) If you know you are a snorer of epic proportions that can be heard through earplugs or headphones, do not sleep in a dorm.  It by default makes you an ass hole.  Also, see a doctor.

7.) Do not open any blinds, turn on any lights, etc. between the hours of 11pm and 8 am.  Invest in a headlamp.  This is also good for reading at night if your bed-lamp does not work and you want to read in bed.

8.) Do not steal other people’s food or stuff or even touch it unless they put it on your bed.

9.) If the hostel dorm room has a limited amount of outlets, do not, as one person, use all of them to charge your digital life.  Claim one plug and alternate.

10.) Do not smoke in the room.  Sitting on the balcony with the room’s door open is still smoking in the god damn room.  Get your lazy ass downstairs and smoke on the stoop with everyone else. You never know when someone might have a smoke allergy or asthma and you’re going to cause them to have difficulty breathing that night because of your laziness.  If that still doesn’t stop you, think about how much more they’re going to snore tonight because you insisted on not going down a flight of stairs.

Bonus:  Do not stare at people when they’re sleeping.  Especially if you are a middle aged man and the person you’re staring at is a young woman.  That makes you an ass hole and a creepy fuck.

All of the above are inspired by real life stories from living in hostels over the past two years.  Some places the hostel clientele were worse than others – Amsterdam and Reykjavík seemed to be, unsurprisingly, particularly rife with discourteous clientele.

It is possible I am getting to old and crotchety for hostel living.

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